I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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