I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this will be a night to untag.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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