It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize