How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
