I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
