Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
