I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
