I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
