I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
