i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
