either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
