every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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