in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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