i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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