Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
