the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
