I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
