I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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