your parents love me but you hate me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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