The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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