yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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