I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize