Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Kiss
Puke
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
