I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
