the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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