Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
