I met the friendliest cop last night
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
