Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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