Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
