Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
