I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize