im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
