: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
as a side note pls kill me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
