my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
