Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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