Your face is a jimmy john
wakey wakey hands off snakey
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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