how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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