i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We need to get me chipped asap
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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