Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
