Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's never too late to be topless.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
