Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
