If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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