Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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