I hate all girls vehemently.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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