just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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