well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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