I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
