I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
