i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
