Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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