i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
