i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize