i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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