Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
