Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
