The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize