I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my being single is dangerous.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I fill condoms, not promises.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
