she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
