New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Randomize
