if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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