If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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