I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
