Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
