He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
