As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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