My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
