I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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