I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am midnight drunk by noon
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
