Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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