It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
