She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My dick has a subreddit
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
