fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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