so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
