We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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