Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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